Busy bodies

Shuffled this way and that

Today I am in the mix

Right now I need a fix

A refresher

Saving grace to a tormented soul

It is difficult to be myself in this world

It is too easy to loathe my misfortune

Purely happenstance

Out of my hands

Yet daily I continue with this self deflating dance

Will you ever stop?

If I could I would

How can someone stop time?

Ignore, bypass the obvious lifetime of coming up short

Being close– or what seems to be close in the moment

Just a moment

Reality kicks in

Imagine what kind of person they would have to be to stay

Moving on

I can’t really blame you

But determinism doesn’t make it easier to accept

It doesn’t make this shell of mine any less free

For Sartre freedom is man’s burden

This is my burden

The freedom to make a decision

What life am I going to live?

I am not talking about a career path

I am talking about a state of mind and heart

We are alone in this way or that

Our burdens will always fall on just two shoulders

I wish I could be honest with all of them

But it wouldn’t change a thing

I am what I am

Their empathy will not get me through the day

I will do little more than hint that I have given up hope

This will be very important over the next years of my life

I have started to dance to a dichotomous tune

One filled with notes of joy, expression, honesty, and dismay

It is a sad tune

A very real tune

My tune

I wish it for no other

And from day to day experiences, most are rid of such feeble troubles

The world is full of troubles– terrible, horrid misfortune

My tune is more latent; but eternally mine

Forever

It can be a scary thing

It is a scary thing

I will always embody strength

But this is a fight with no opponent

A reality

A shadow

A fading memory of what life was like before I knew any of this

I will not be the first or last to say ignorance is bliss

How many more good days, possibilities will I miss?

Not for a lack of trying

Just a lack of being.

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