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Busy bodies
Shuffled this way and that
Today I am in the mix
Right now I need a fix
A refresher
Saving grace to a tormented soul
It is difficult to be myself in this world
It is too easy to loathe my misfortune
Purely happenstance
Out of my hands
Yet daily I continue with this self deflating dance
Will you ever stop?

If I could I would
How can someone stop time?
Ignore, bypass the obvious lifetime of coming up short
Being close- or what seems to be close in the moment
Just a moment
Reality kicks in
Imagine what kind of person they would have to be to stay
Moving on
I can’t really blame you
But determinism doesn’t make it easier to accept
It doesn’t make this shell of mine any less free

For Sartre free is man’s burden
This is my burden
The freedom to make a decision
What life am I going to live?
I am not talking about a career path
I am talking about a state of mind and heart
We are alone in this way or that
Our burdens will always fall on just two shoulders

I wish I could be honest with all of them
But it wouldn’t change a thing
I am what I am
Their empathy will not get me through the day
I will do little more than hint that I have given up hope
This will be very important over the next years of my life
I have started to dance to a dichotomous tune
One filled with notes of joy, expression, honesty, and dismay

It is a sad tune
A very real tune
My tune

I wish it for no other
And from day to day experiences- most are rid of such feeble troubles
The world is full of troubles- terrible, horrid, misfortune
My tune is more latent, but eternally mine
It can be a scary thing
It is a scary thing

I will always embody strength
But this is a fight with no opponent
A reality
A shadow
A fading memory of what life was like before I knew any of this

I will not be the first or last to say ignorance is bliss
How many more good days, possibilities will I miss?
Not for a lack of trying
Just a lack of being